The terrible patch notes for FFXIV 3.1


  • The Gold Saucer isn’t doing nearly as well as it once was, and it’s starting to show. We’ve now removed designated smoking sections from it so the entire area has barely breathable air. We’ve also added NPCs who are 70+ (and addicted to pachinko so you’ll never get your turn), and added an NPC who sells heavily breaded chocobo wings. Unless circulation picks up, we’ll have to add a red light district and yes, Lalafells will cost double for a ZJ.
  • We really don’t understand how so many people are having trouble transitioning to DirectX 11, but we’ve added a tech support forum for those who need it.
  • The Churning Mists and Northern Thanalan have run out of FATEs. Twin-tongued Addison and Darkscale have given up.
  • The status effect “Walking Dead” has now been changed to “I LIVE, I DIE, I LIVE AGAIN”
  • A new main story questline has been added. In this questline, a hideous Lalafell named Don Aldtrump who owns the goldsmith’s guild (and pretty much all of Ul’dah), runs for sultan, claiming that Doman refugees are all rapists.
  • We’ve had some complaints that Hildibrand’s questlines are a little too clowny and childish. Naturally, we’ve oscillated way too far in the opposite direction and now Hildibrand’s quests are all based directly off of “True Detective.” All dialogue is a mixture of true swampfolk lines mentioned in the show and lines from the character Early from “Squidbillies.”
  • That one ho who gave Nanamo her goblet has been renamed to “Olly.”
  • We’ve added the ability to travel on your airships. You will always be seated in front of someone with twin babies with digestive and behavioral problems.
  • The Futurama episode “Jurassic Bark” will play upon login for all people who have left their chocobo companions stabled since they got them.
  • There is now a note in each one of your rooms in the FC house on the refrigerator which reads “It’s okay, I didn’t need a call from you anyway. Been sitting around waiting for unspoiled nodes, sure, but when it comes to taking a second on the linkpearl, suddenly you’re too busy saving the world. Signed, your mother.” You’ll probably still miss it anyway.
  • Added a “tackle box” inventory tab as an optional item for 100 dollars. You won’t buy it on the first day, but you’ll eventually break down and buy it because you’re used to spending money on superfluous things like skins and rune pages.
  • We’ve had some complaints that people have had varying amounts of “fun” experienced with this game and we’ve determined that it’s all because of RNG and luck. To counteract this variation, we’ve added “fun” tokens that you can cash out for “fun” once you have 10 of them. You should be familiar with this system by now, since it’s basically used for fucking everything now, because some people just can’t cope with the fact that they just have been unlucky a couple times.
  • We know there’s really not a reason for materia since crafting is useless right now, so we’ve made materia able to be consumed as a result. Upon your first consumption, your character will immediately get mako eyes, have their name changed to XxdAnKkNigHt SeFiRoTtH420xX, and get high as shit. If you don’t consume more materia within two game days, you will get some bad shakes and be hit with a permanent “Brink of Death” debuff. Elemental resistance materia will straight fuck you up.
  • When you active the Haukke Manor Harpsichord, it now accurately plays all of the songs that you know how to play (basically, it plays the opening to “Chopsticks”)
  • You can now desynth food. It’s actually kind of sad that it took your character this look to realize that all they have to do is take the food off of the plate and it’s been successfully desynthesized.
  • The moogles have been so overjoyed with all of their tedious chores being done that they’ve all taken a break and copulated. Every moogle now has a seemingly endless sea of chores available to you (it’s basically babysitting), and all the babies ALSO have chores as well (change my diaper. 200 gil reward). The most common feedback we received this patch was “We want to ki__ every moogle we see (the letters were smudged with tears of apparent joy) and we assumed the missing word was “kiss” or “kindly take care of forever”.
  • The Thavnarian Bustier now comes with a tramp stamp added on because we noticed a theme in what people wanted to see out of their Miqotes.
  • We’ve put the Alexander soundtrack on an even shorter loop SINCE EVERYONE LOVED IT SO MUCH, and just went ahead and replaced the A4 soundtrack with “Chop Suey” because we know that 6th grade came rushing back to you every time you heard that song anyway.